World Mental Health Day - Opening Up About Depression

Hello lovelies!   
As today is World Mental Health Day I thought it was only appropriate I did a post surrounding this topic. I haven't spoken in great depth about mental illness on my blog yet, this is simply because I feel I should only speak about it whilst I'm going through the worst of mine, however as today is about spreading awareness, I thought it would be the right time to open up about my experience with it.
To begin with I personally just want to say depression affects every person in lots of different ways and just because someone else is affected in another way to yourself, it doesn't make theirs any harder or easier, just different. I often see certain statements on depression such as 'if you have a reason to be sad, you're not suffering from depression' which, in my opinion, is bull! When I was younger I believed this, I knew why I was sad, I knew why some days I'd curl up and sob my heart out until I couldn't cry anymore tears, I had many reasons I  felt sad. From my disability, isolation, loneliness, they're the reasons why my tears would fall but does that make it any less of a depression? Simply because I knew why. 

I think I was around fifteen when I first got told I was suffering with depression, and honestly I have to say I was slightly relieved to know what was wrong with me. I got offered counselling but at the time I had that typical teenage view of 'if I can't help myself, how can anyone else help', I was in my last year of school and I think that's a stressful time for anyone, at least that's what I told myself. Apart from my Mum, I don't think anyone understood how I was feeling, I think people just got fed up of me feeling sorry for myself. When I tried explaining it to my friends at the time they would just roll their eyes, soon they got fed up of me 'moaning about my life' and my friendship group moved on to people who were 'more fun'. 

Life got slightly better when I moved to sixth form, I made a few friends and looking back now my depression got a lot better too. I got on with my assistants and they became my friends too, I wasn't isolating myself which helped undo my loneliness. At home I was happy too, I had off days but they had got less and I'd find simple ways to pick myself up. Some believe once you've had depression, it will never disappear, and I guess you are always going to have it but if you lucky enough there are certain ways that can ease it, even just for a while. 

Coming up to two years now my depression slowly started returning, again for a reason. My grandparents have always been a huge part of my life, I spent most my Saturdays at their house as a child, they were honestly the best grandparents you could have. So when both their health deteriorated at the same time and they both became ill, I was riddled with fear, tiredness and loneliness again. My Mum and I spent about two months going up and down to the hospital, by the time we can home it was at least 7pm, it was exhausting. 

Then I lost my Grandad who was my world and more. I cried, I argued, I had days were I didn't want to carry on, it was the hardest time of my life. This was the time when I realised what depression actually was, just when I thought I'd got myself in a better place and started accepting myself, it came straight back and I knew it wasn't going to get any easier for a long time. Again I still felt like nobody understood, I felt like people were getting back into their daily routine, going on with life and I still wasn't ready to accept I had to live again. 

I think it wasn't until Match of this year I got a hold of it, I realised I had to start seeing the colour in the black and white world. I had some passions left inside me and there had to be a way I could express myself, so I created The Porcelain Doll. In the last six months I've still cried, I'm still heartbroken about my Grandad, I still worry about the future and my disability still drives me mad and makes me wonder what I did to deserve this life, however them days aren't everyday, they're just every so often now, maybe I'm slowly 'healing' or maybe I'm getting slightly better at coping, but it's an improvement. 

Now I don't want to say I'm getting back to the girl I was before I lost my Grandad because I don't think I'll ever be her again, I don't know if I'll ever not cry about him when I've had one too many drinks, or if I'll laugh uncontrollably like I used to, however I feel like I now have something to focus on, I've got something to take my mind off my bad days and can put all my emotions into instead of feeling like I once did all the time. 

This is my story with mental health, what's yours?
Read about my Cerebral Palsy here 

11 comments :

  1. Wow! I had no idea there was a world mental health day! That's so awesome! You just educated me on so much in your post!πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—great post girl!
    KeepingupwithMJ.com xxx

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  2. This is such a well-written, beautiful and honest post. I can relate to a lot of what you've described as a teenager, it's such a big thing to be told at that sort of age so of course you feel like you don't need anyone's help and that you can fix yourself. It's all very daunting. And your loss on top of those already existing feelings must be so difficult. You sound like you've got your head screwed on, and I know it's a cliche but these things do make you a stronger person in time. Keep fighting darling! xx

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    1. Thanks for taking time to read & comment on my post chick!
      Xx

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  3. Thank you for opening up and sharing your mental health story with us, Charlotte. I can totally understand how the death of someone as close to you as your grandad affected you. I am really sure that he is looking down on you now and feeling so proud of the gorgeous, talented, and inspiring woman that you are today!

    Abbey πŸ˜‡ www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

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    1. Aww thanks for your lovely comment Abbey
      Xx

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  4. Very beautiful, raw, and real. Thank you for being open and honest about your mental health story for mental health day:)

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  5. Bless you, such an honest post. I'm glad you've opened up about it as more people should be open. It's inspired me to be a bit more open about mine.

    Lisa | www.fairlyrosy.com
    x

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